Monsters Aren't Just Under the Bed

"First things first: I'm gonna say all the words inside my head. I'm fired up, and tired of the way that things have been." -Imagine Dragons "Believer"

I'm going to talk about something super serious. If you're not in the mood for some serious ranting and the inner workings of my mind, you can skip to the bottom of this post where there is another quote picture, and I'm going to talk about happy things that make my life the best life ever. So, now is your chance to skip to the picture and happiness if you so desire.

Last chance...

OK, HERE WE GO. You were warned.


I have anxiety and depression.

There you have it. I said it loud and clear for everyone to hear. I've had anxiety and depression now for a year and a half as of August 2017. And here's another thing loud and clear:

I ABSOLUTELY HATE ANXIETY AND DEPRESSION!!!!

For those of you who don't know what it's like to feel anxiety, here's an example:

Imagine you're sitting in your car just driving to work and then all of a sudden your car goes off a cliff and into the water. You can't get out.

That's what it's like to have anxiety. I know, you're probably thinking, well duh! anyone would have anxiety in that situation. This is true. BUT, having anxiety as a diagnosed mental issue is like having that feeling on your couch surrounded by family on Christmas because anxiety doesn't stop on holidays. Anxiety is that feeling when you're playing with your puppy on the bed because anxiety doesn't take breaks for playtime. Anxiety is that feeling at 2 a.m. in your bed even though you're perfectly safe.

That's anxiety.

That's the crippling fear of everything even when you KNOW everything is fine. Even when you KNOW you're safe. That's anxiety, and that's why it's so horrible and I hate it.

Allow me to mention another thing:

Some chemotherapy poisons GIVE YOU ANXIETY. (As if you didn't already have it from the thought of having to be poisoned.) Isn't that GREAT!? No.

So even though I already have anxiety, I get to be GIVEN more because I have cancer. You would think they could fix that. GUESS NOT.

So moving on.

OH, you thought I was done ranting, that's cute! I'm just getting started.

On to depression:

(Isn't this fun? No? Sorry, I warned you earlier. You can still skip over this if you want. And I'm raising awareness, so deal with it. *snaps fingers sassily*)

For those of you who don't know what depression feels like, here is an example:

Imagine you are just minding your own business and then you run over a little girl's puppy with your car. But you just keep driving because you felt too bad to stop and apologize. Then for the next week, the little girl comes to your house and just stares at you through your front window. That horrible guilt that you feel, that's depression.

Except, that's only the beginning. Because that guilt you feel, actually comes at the middle of dinner. But the catch is that you didn't ever do anything. Just a horrible, crippling, guilty feeling for no reason. OH and don't forget that you'll actually feel completely numb at the same time and not know how to do anything because your mind is fog. And finally let's not forget the silent crying in the middle of the night because you're so sad and numb and guilty all for no reason.

That's depression.

And it comes at all the same times as anxiety because they don't take time off EVER. You want to play with your puppy? Sorry, depression is going to join you. You want to open presents on Christmas with your family? Better save depression a seat right next to you, because they want to help unwrap.

Depression is horrible. Anxiety is horrible.

All mental illnesses are horrible. As if those two aren't bad enough, I'm probably going to have PTSD after cancer. I kind of already do, because some things from the beginning when I was first diagnosed, trigger me and cause me to have anxiety and feel like I'm going to throw up and make me never want to leave my house. Because things remind you of things and those things can ruin your life.

Mental Illnesses are real and they are scary.

There's a song called:


Inner Demons by Julia Brennan


And let me tell you: I have never related to a song so much. Never. This song is my life story for the past year and a half and will be for the rest of my life.


Whew!

You made it! Are you ready for some happiness and motivation? I know I am!

Okay so for those of you who understand what I just ranted about, I'm super duper sorry that you have to go through that. It's hard. Trust me, I know.

BUT GUESS WHAT!?

You are never alone.

Never.

If anyone needs a reassurance of that, here it is! There are so many people in the world who love you! SO MANY! Some who you haven't even met yet! There will always be someone there for you! Whether that's a friend, a family member, your cat, or the most important: God. Don't ever let yourself feel like you are alone because you aren't.

Life is awesome. Life is super happy and joyful, even with mental illnesses. There is so much in life to be happy about. Sometimes we might have to look a little harder, but there is always something good in every day, even if the only thing you can find that day is that you lived through it, that counts. Find something every single day to be happy about and I guarantee that your day will be a tiny bit better.

Here's another thing:

God has your back. Always.

Our Father in Heaven will always be there to help you, even when you feel like He isn't. Not only Him, but Christ also. Jesus Christ suffered for each and every one of us individually. He felt all our pains and afflictions and struggles we would go through in mortality. EVERYTHING. He felt it, so He knows. Even if no one else has gone through what you have, He has, and He's always going to be there for you. I promise.

Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ know what we go through and they are always there even if we don't feel them at times or we push them away because we're stubborn and don't want help from the only people who truly know. It happens, and I know because I've done it. I've pushed them away because I was too numb to try and feel their love for me and my life. I didn't want to try because I didn't think it would make a difference.

THEY MAKE ALL THE DIFFERENCE!

They make ALL the difference.

Do I need to repeat it again?

Ok...

THEY. MAKE. ALL. THE. DIFFERENCE.

No matter how sad or numb or anxious you feel, let them help you. They are waiting there, wanting to help you, and they have their hands out to catch you.

Let them catch you. Please...

They just want you to be happy and they just want you to trust them in this crazy thing called life that we have to go through.

Let me rephrase that:

They just want you to be happy and they just want you to trust them in this crazy thing called life that we get to go through.

We have the privilege of living these beautiful lives and we have the privilege of having amazing people to help us along the way. It is a privilege.

Don't let this life be harder than it needs to be. If you need help, get it. It's going to be hard, but it will be worth it in the end. There are so many resources that we have that can help us.

Here's a few that have helped me by leaps and bounds with all my struggles with mental illness:

1. Get a therapist. - Therapy can be scary, but talking to someone who isn't directly connected to you and doesn't have to tell anyone anything if you don't want them to, is actually the greatest thing ever.

2. Get some medication, if your doctor says it will benefit you, because it does wonders on the imbalances in your brain.

3. Some Lds.org resoures that have helped me A LOT:

"Like a Broken Vessel" By Jeffrey R. Holland

Mental Illness Experiences (videos from real people)

Bethany's Story (My favorite video of all time.)

Jesus Wept, and So Can I

Why it Will All Work Out

15 Resources for People Struggling With Depression

4. Josie Thompson's Story with Bipolar Depression here

5. A WHOLE HECK OF A LOT OF PRAYER. Happy prayers, sad prayers, terrified prayers, numb prayers even when I didn't want to, but did anyways. All prayers are heard and answered. Some answers might not come when you want, or in the way you want, but they ALWAYS come. Maybe in five minutes, or maybe a whole year later, but they will come.

Fight faithfully is my mantra of this blog and it is something that I strive to do every single day because even on the days I don't have cancer struggles, I have inner struggles that can be even harder. That's why we need to fight faithfully through everything, because everyone has struggles, and we need to have faith that we can get through them, whatever they may be.

 Trust in God and He will lead you to amazing things.

I know that to be true. I know that with everything in me.

And I hope that if you don't know that already, that you will come to know that.

Because with Christ and with our Heavenly Father, we can do ANYTHING.


Fight Faithfully - Taya